


No Weakness

by Holla4theImpala



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - Supernatural Hunters, Angst, Baby, Dean Bears The Mark of Cain, Declarations Of Love, Emotional Baggage, Episode: s10e14 The Executioner's Song, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Hunters & Hunting, Impala, Mark of Cain, Reader-Insert, Sad, au supernatural, brief mention of suicidal thoughts, car kink, self hatred
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-22
Updated: 2015-03-18
Packaged: 2018-03-14 13:22:26
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 13,575
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3412157
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Holla4theImpala/pseuds/Holla4theImpala
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dean's losing the battle with the Mark, and you can see it, despite him assuring you otherwise. In a whirlwind, you, Sam and Cas desperately try to find something, anything, to help save your friend...but what can possibly stop the inevitable without a causing a little damage along the way?</p><p>***Chapter names are Led Zeppelin Songs***</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Communication Breakdown

**Author's Note:**

> Bare with me guys. This is my first attempt at a fanfic and lord knows how it's gonna turn out. So buckle up, sit back, relax, and try to enjoy. It's gonna be a bumpy ride.
> 
> Inspired by the episode that actually emotionally scarred me: The Executioner's Song.
> 
>  
> 
> ***italics are flashbacks if you catch my drift***

 

“Dean, if you could do that without losing yourself, there’s a cause for hope.” Slowly, almost carefully, Sam finds a seat beside me at the table, never breaking eye contact with his brother. “Even without a cure.”

“Yeah, maybe.” Dean’s words fall from his mouth mindlessly, betraying the thoughts I know are already clawing at his broken mind. From the corner of my eye, I see Sam’s strength for his brother falter for a split second, but he recollects himself even faster. I look back and forth between the two. The two men that have become so much dearer to me than they could know. I hate this. Every time, it's just a moment’s notice before life gets fucked over. Just one stupid moment of thinking everything is hope, smiles and giving Dean shit about Taylor Swift music, and then fate decides to intervene with a crisp backhand. 

 I’m at a loss for words, something I—and anyone else in the room for that matter—am not used to, and all I can describe the feeling of being in this room is some sort of…pressure. Silence hangs in the air like they’re waiting for a punchline. For someone to tell them everything is okay. Waiting for me to lighten the mood with a half-assed attempt at a sarcastic joke. Now, however—after the whirlwind of an event that took place tonight—my usual wit and light-heartedness fails me miserably and the part I’m supposed to play falls apart. All I can force myself to do is muster up a fake smile as I softly take Dean’s hand and offer what I hope to be a reassuring nod.

I know Sam doesn't think this is over. Not even close. Dean knows too, I can see it in his face. But he hides it well underneath that false peace of his and I know he’s doing that damn masquerade act of his again. I want to yell, flip the table, and slap him in that big, beautiful, self-righteous head of his. Tell him he can’t keep pretending. Scream that he can’t protect us from something that’s already upon us. Still, I keep up my own act, smiling gently in my own selfish way. He returns it in his.

 

 

_“Dean, we can find another way.”_

_“(Y/N)…”_

_“No Dean, I’m sick of us playing a part in all this bullshit! Why do you have to be the one to—“ I have to stop and exhale shakily, reminding myself of my one rule._

_“Look I took this on, knowing very well that there would be some sort of consequence.” He rubs his arm roughly, trying to stop the burn of the Mark with the pain of his firm grip. “Cain has to be stopped, (Y/N), and you know I’m the only one who can do it.”_

_“I know, okay? I—I understand that, but… Dean, you might not make it out this time, and I—“ Damn, if only I could tell him everything. My face finds itself buried in my hands, trying desperately to form the right words to get him to stay. To get him to leave the whole thing alone and continue focusing on getting rid of his own Mark. “Sam, Cas, and I—“ Before I can finish, he pulls me in his arms, and, for a beautiful moment, the world isn’t a force pulling us apart._

_“I’ll always come back. You know that.”_

 

 

Dean’s gruff voice breaks through my thoughts, but I can’t quite catch the words as Sam offers a half-hearted laugh and I realized I’ve zoned out on a good portion of conversation. My eyes follow him as he leaves, his lips curing up ever so slightly when his eyes catch mine. Another wonderful, reassuring lie.  He makes it a task to pat Cas—who now stands by the doorway of the kitchen—on the shoulder as he leaves, still trying to keep up the façade he so foolishly expects us to accept.

“How is he?” With Dean out of ear shot, Cas finally asks the question we all know the answer to, but hate to acknowledge.

“Cas…” Sam’s face goes from his false representation of hope to one of true unease and worry. “…Dean’s in trouble.”

My breath hitches in my throat. There it is. The words none of us can ignore. After all of this—the battling, the research, the agonizing feeling of not knowing what’s to come—we finally have our answer.  If only there were a solution.

After a minute that felt like an hour, I rise from my seat clumsily, retreating to the liquor cabinet. Finally, I find the courage, or rather the ability to push back tears long enough to let myself speak, letting my voice carry the calmness I truly wish I had.

“Well, I don’t know about you guys, but I won’t be sleeping any time soon so,” I grab the Jack first, but quickly replace it to grab a rather expensive bottle of Johnny Walker, practically ripping it open, “bottoms up.” I raise the bottle to them slightly before tipping my head back for a long swig.

“(Y/N), that’s not going to make you feel better, and you know it.” Sam scolds gently, but I can hear the understanding in his tone.

“Don’t worry, mom, it’s not bad if we only do it in the house.” I grin wickedly as I take one more gulp, before handing it to Sam, who, reluctantly, does the same.

“What should we do?” I recognize Cas’ hand on my shoulder and the touch is comforting enough to earn a genuine, but still despondent smile from me. He adjusts himself to put his arm around me instead, pulling me close to his side. I lean into him, appreciating the gesture whole-heartedly. 

“I think our best bet is to start reading up again as soon as possible. Hell, I’ll start tonight, if you two are game.” Sam nods in agreement before rising from his spot at the table and leading the way through the dark hallways of bunker and into the designated research area.

Books upon books haphazardly embellish the oak table—hopeful pages with broken promises and useless words from the previous weeks. Only a few days ago, we were focused on finding a way to get rid of the Mark. Back to the drawing board—for the hundredth time. Mindlessly, I search the pile until my eyes fall upon an old, tattered Bible before leaning back in a chair and cracking it open to Genesis hoping there will be answers in simplicity. Cain’s story has to have some sort of information that we missed.

The sound of fragile pages turning back and forth hurriedly echo through the empty room. I look up every few minutes, hoping to see some sort of indication of…anything…flash across Sam or Castiel’s face, but no such luck. Who knows how long we’ve been here. The clock reads 10pm before I look down once again, this time, only momentarily before something stands out against the pale pages. _Oh my God._ How did we miss this? It’s right here, written as a warning practically jumping off the page.

“Guys,” my voice is shakier than I want it to be—a common occurrence tonight. What's wrong with me? I don't lose my cool.

They look up quickly, and rush to look over my shoulder at my discovery. I can’t even let the words fall from my lips. I simply point to the ink carefully splayed in forlorn text before me:

 

**“And Cain said to God, "My sin is greater than I can bear... anyone who finds me will kill me." God replied to him, "Therefore -- anyone who kills Cain will be avenged seven-fold,"**

 

Sam runs his hand down his face, trying to erase the fear that crept across it. Cas’ features contort into a pained expression before turning to pacing across the room.

"How did we overlook this?" Sam's voice breaks through the words running in my head, in an empty tone laced only slightly with despair and worry.

 I read it over and over, hoping the words will reveal themselves to be something different, but, to my dismay, they remain until they are no longer words to me. In a fit of rage and other emotions, my hands rip the page from its binding, crumpling it and throwing it across the room before trying to do the same to the table. In a final act of defiance, I fall to my knees, clasping my hands to my ears in the hopes of blocking out the words, but they’re no longer just words. One stupid, vague verse, telling us the one thing we thought would fix everything could spell doom for Dean. These words remain, hanging in the air, fading, but forever a sick reminder of a mistake. Our mistake. And it brands our thoughts with a hot infliction, like a scar permanently etched in flesh—another Mark we must live with.


	2. Nobody's Fault But Mine

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Flashback time! Let's give you some background, shall we?

 

I’ve known the Winchester’s for two years now. That’s the equivalent to about 50 hunts, and 30 different diners. That’s also about 15 emotional outbursts. None of which, however, were ever mine.

 

 

_“So, what’s your secret, (Y/N)?” Dean asked one day through a mouthful of whatever he was rummaging the cabinets of the bunker for. The question caught me off guard._

_“Secret?” I laughed, because of the irony of it. “I’m a hunter, Dean, I hardly think there’s just one.”_

_“You know what I mean, (Y/N). There’s more to you than that rough exterior of yours. You’ve been with us for five months now, and I barely know anything about you besides the fact that you’re pretty much a bad-ass.”_

_“Aww, Dean, that may be true, but flattery will get you nowhere.” Still, I closed the book and set it down with a sigh. “What do you want to know?” I had let myself grow pretty attached to the older Winchester. Sam and I got along wonderfully, bonding over Harry Potter, lore, college…he was slowly becoming my best friend, but there was something about Dean that I understood on a deeper level. Something I admired in him, but hated in myself._

_Dean grabbed a box of Cheerio’s and walked over to the table to sit across from me, still munching, causing me to giggle a little._

_“First thing’s first. How did you get this gig? How does a Pre-Med Honors student fall so far down the totem pole?” I became serious again. He seemed genuinely interested, his eyes searching mine, for some sort of indication that I would answer, but I honestly wasn’t sure myself._

_“Dean, I—” I had never actually said aloud what happened to me. I’d become so talented with holding everything in, the idea of letting it out horrified me. “I don’t know if I can.”_

_He seemed to understand as he reached for my hands grabbing them to hold between us on the tabletop. “(Y/N), you can tell me.” This time he was pleading with me. “Please.”_

_My eyes closed as I steadied my breath. “Okay.” Dean held onto my hands tighter, massaging small, caring circles on the back of them with his thumbs. A gesture that meant more to me than he could know._

_“When I was a sophomore in college, I decided to surprise my family with a spontaneous trip home.” I decided to meet his eyes before I continued. The lovely hue of emerald gave me comfort in an unexpected way. “I drove 6 hours straight, walked through the door, and, after that, everything went black.” I shifted uncomfortably. “When I came to, I was tied to a chair and gagged, with my mom, dad, and little brother tied up on the floor before me—my first encounter with demons. Apparently, I walked in on some kind of sick game.”_

_Dean said nothing, but I could feel his grip on me tighten even more, and his eyes never left mine as if he were trying to channel some of his strength to me._

_“They started…” I gulped, hating having to relive the night for the thousandth time. Sure, the visions haunt my dreams, but having to tell someone what happened…it was different. “They started torturing them in front of me. One by one starting with my father. They knew he’d fight the most, and damn, he did, but in the end, three demons against one tied up man…”_

_I had to break my gaze for a second before continuing. Dean’s features softened._

_“(Y/N), you don’t have to continue if you don’t want. I’ll understand.” I smiled half-heartedly at the care in his tone._

_“No, Dean it’s fine, really. Maybe it’s good to let someone in sometimes.” I continued on. “Next, was my mother…she fought as much as she could. The whole time, I’m trying to break free, to help, but at this point my wrists—“ My right hand left Dean’s and I pointed out the faint scars left from where the ropes are forever branded into my skin, but I quickly returned it to where it was before.  “But then…my brother… he was…he was 5 and he just couldn’t…” I shook my head rigorously trying to shake that particular image out of my head. “I tried screaming, and in the end, I was begging for them to kill me. To make it so I didn’t have to relive their agony over and over, but they didn’t. They tortured me just enough to leave me on the edge, waiting hopefully for a release that would never come. They just laughed like I was the punchline and left me there for neighbors to find me a day later. The smell, the blood, it still…” I shivered._

_“(Y/N), I—I’m so sorry.” Dean’s voice broke a little, but my features remained unchanging._

_“Ever since then, I’ve been…broken. No matter how much I try, I can’t feel, can’t open up.” A sardonic laugh forces its way out of my chest. “My weakest moment, made me the hardest, most unfeeling person. I refuse to love, to cry, because no one is allowed to see me weak like that ever again. I know it’s horrible. I know I should let myself feel, but I’m so focused on keeping it together all the time.” He’s still looking at me with that intense stare. Like I’m too fragile to let go of. “I hate that I’m like this, Dean. I want to be so much more than my past, but it keeps haunting me.”_

_“(Y/N), you are anything, ANYTHING, but weak. That day we met, when you took out that whole nest of vamps before Sam and I even showed up? That is unmistakable courage and strength.” Dean released my hands and moved to kneel beside my chair. Trying to get closer, he grabbed my shoulders. “Honestly, I don’t know how you do it. How do you hold all this in without imploding? All the bullshit, all the losses you’ve had, and Sam and I are the only ones who throw tantrums and scream to the high heavens? You haven’t had one outburst and I don’t understand. Carrying all this shit by yourself can really mess you up, (Y/N).”_

_“Look who’s talking, Winchester.” I said, trying to turn it all into a joke. He frowned slightly._

_“You can’t keep pushing us away, (Y/N). You’re part of our family now. Sam and I, even Cas, we care about you and we want to help. Don’t think we don’t notice how your eyes burn every time we mention demons, or how you go out of your way to help kids even more so then we do. We understand what it’s like. So anytime you need to talk, to yell, or, hell, even to cry. Come to us. We— **I** am here for you. And more than anyone, I know how it feels to be helpless and like the world is against you, but take it from an expert. Holding it in makes it all worse when the time comes. It’s okay to let it out sometimes. No more putting on this brave face laced with sarcasm. Be emotional, be open, and be accepting of yourself, because, for God’s sake, you’re worth it. ” I found myself thrust into his chest in an urgent hug._

_“Okay,” I breathed into his neck, taking in his warm scent, “I’ll try.”_

 

 

 

I wish I meant it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Feedback would be awesome!


	3. Dazed and Confused

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Back to reality.

“(Y/N)!”

My name slowly comes into focus, the sound tunneling slightly before the word becomes clear. With this realization, I am faintly aware of strong hands grasping my shoulders, shaking me with small, jerked motions.

“(Y/N), please, you’re scaring us. Snap out of it.”

I blink a couple of times, allowing the scene before me to come into focus, becoming fully aware of my surroundings once more.

“Sam?” I barely recognize my own voice falling like gravel. The man knelt before me exhales roughly.

“She’s alright.” I look up and to the left to see Castiel scanning me worriedly.

The room is a mess, floor ornamented with paper and books pooling around the overturned table. Absentmindedly, I scratch at my face, where a small prickling feeling exists. Something warm and damp meets my fingers and my soft motion turns into desperate wipes trying to rid of the tears and quickly standing up as if they weren’t already seen by my companions. The room spins slightly at the sudden change in altitude.

“I-I’m so sorry.” I clear my throat trying to erase the unsteadiness.

“Oh my God, (Y/N), don’t apologize, I just—we’ve never seen you like that. Please, just talk to us.”

“Nothing to talk about, Sammy. Just a damn long night.” I force a half-assed smile. “I just need a break that’s all.”

He smiles back, but I know it’s just as fake. Our masks are faltering. Mentally, I kick myself for losing control. I’ve never had that problem. Now, Sam and Cas are going to worry about me when they need all their attention on Dean.

“I probably just drank a little too much and let it get the best of me. I’m gonna go get some air and I’ll be back as soon as I feel better.”

“(Y/N)…”

“I’m fine, Cassy, really,” I place a hand on his shoulder, patting it with the hopes that my nickname for the angel will ease him a bit, before turning on my heel and walking toward the hallway, “and don’t you clean this up. I’ll fix it I promise.”

Their silence confirms their fear. Shit. I’m always so careful. What’s changed? As soon as I exit the doorway, I stop, putting my back against the wall and listening carefully to what they have to say. Cas’ voice breaks the tangible silence first.

“She’s just as bad off as he is, isn’t she?”

“(Y/N)’s always been a foundation, never faltering. Now, she feels everything that she’s held up for so long has crumbled and it’s her fault.”

“It’s because she won’t listen to herself, don’t you agree? All of this ignoring her emotions, it’s finally catching up with her. She needs to be honest…with everyone.”

Sam laughs softly.

“Cas, if I know anything about (Y/N), she’s as damaged as all of us and twice as stubborn. I just wish she wouldn’t carry all of this shit by herself, you know? It’s gonna destroy her. She can’t save everyone.”

“Remind you of anyone?” I can practically hear Cas’ eyebrow raise.

Deciding I’ve heard enough, I push myself from the wall as a new feeling burns through me. A newfound hope and purpose in the wake of all this chaos.

 

I might not be able to save everyone, but I’ll be damned if I don’t get to choose who.


	4. Good Times Bad Times

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fluffy and angsty

In a rush, I find myself in the garage, swiping the keys to the Impala from the rack on the wall and throwing myself into the car. I leave the bunker in a blur, mind racing and heart pounding. On the road, I force happy thoughts into my head, remembering a time when everything still seemed hopeful: only two days ago.

 

_Dean had been staring at his laptop for hours, occasionally looking away only to throw his head back in rich laughter. I hadn’t looked to see what was on the screen, but assumed it was The Three Stooges, one of his favorites. I knew he was looking for a distraction—any distraction—to occupy his mind with thoughts not relating to the Mark. Undetected, I watched from the doorway, grinning slightly at the man, tracing the contour of his back through a ragged tee-shirt and trying to keep myself from imagining what it might look like on the floor… I shook the thoughts out of my mind. The corners of my lips lifted higher as a new idea formed in the forefront of my mind. Excited, I turned and hurried myself toward the kitchen._

_Somehow, I managed not to make a mess, and ten minutes later, I emerged with a silver tin in hand._

_“Deee-aaan,” I called his name in a sing-song-y tune, not able to hide the smile from my voice. He turned around only slightly, not taking his eyes from the screen before him._

_“Hmm?” His soft hum inquired, clearly distracted. But I would fix that._

_I approached him ever so carefully, keeping my creation steady in my hands._

_“I made you a pie!” I beamed. That definitely got his attention._

_“You didn’t.” He returned my excitement, but, for a completely different reason._

_“Of course I did! Here, smell.” I held the pie just under his nose, allowing him to close his eyes, inhaling deeply. At this moment, I saw my window of opportunity and seized it. Swiftly, I brought the dessert to his face, twisting slightly for added effect. I let go, watching the tin slowly slide down, revealing gobs of whipped cream._

_“Oops, looks like it’s a little undercooked.” I reached out, fingering a small amount from the tip of his nose and bringing it to my mouth. As if I were pondering the taste, I looked up slightly, “Hmm, needs more whipped cream.”_

_Dean sat there, jaw dropped, his mouth and eyes the only visible breaks in the fluffy topping. Try as I might, keeping from laughing was no longer an option, and I threw my head back in fits. Almost last minute, I saw him rush toward me, half empty pie tin in hand and a wicked grin playing across his features. I immediately caught on and froze only for a second before running away._

_“Aww, come on, (Y/N), I don’t mind sharing!” His laugh lingered in his playful voice._

_I turned the corner, making a mad sprint for the kitchen, but as soon as I walked through the doorway, strong arms took me from behind. I squealed and kicked, and Dean and I fell to the floor with a thud, trapping me under his weight._

_“Dean,” I giggled, “Don’t you dare!” but it was too late. The rest of the whipped cream found its way onto my face. The tin was quickly removed, and I looked up at my white-faced assailant. His eyes shone through the mess covering his features. Mine glared through the one on mine. Then we both started cracking up._

_We laughed uncontrollably for a few minutes, replaying the scene in our minds. The laughter slowed, eventually coming to a halt as Dean’s head leaned down to mine. The voice in my head went crazy, wondering what was going on, and when he closed his eyes, my heart fluttered as mine did the same. Suddenly, he moved quickly, closing the space between us…and licking a stripe in the whipped cream from the tip of my nose to the middle of my forehead! My eyes ripped open._

_“Ew!” I groaned, and Dean got up and made a mad dash away from me. “Dean Winchester, you get your ass back here!” I could hear his chuckling down the hall._

_I rose to chase him, but before he came into view, I heard a huge thud, turning the corner to see Dean face-planted on the ground. His socks found some whipped cream on the floor, causing him to crash to the floor. I had to lean against the wall in the hallway, grasping my chest and sliding down the wall in a fit of uncontrolled giggles. He soon joined, opting to move to the wall opposite of me, sitting up against it so we could look at each other._

_Eventually, we got towels and the original can of whipped cream to our spot, cleaning the residue from our faces. I threw my head back, bringing the can to my mouth and spraying a good amount before passing the whipped cream off to Dean, who did the same. We laughed more than we had seen each other laugh in months, reliving the current incident, as well as looking back on others._

_“The best part is,” Dean joked, “Sam never got that damn shoe back!”_

_“Poor Sam!” I laughed at his story and started my own. “Okay, once, I was hunting a witch—I fucking hate witches—and right before I killed her, she turned me into a golden retriever! I had to literally hold the knife in my mouth in order to get the job done. It was ridiculous!” It was Dean’s turn to laugh._

_All out of funny stories, we eventually found the laughter dying out, reality setting in once again. I bit my lip, knowing where the conversation was going._

_“(Y/N),” Dean’s tone had gone darker. “Do you, do you really think we can fix this?” I didn’t even have to see him rubbing the Mark to know what he was referring to._

_“Dean, this whole situation is so fucked, but, you know what? If I know anything about us, it’s that we always find a way back from the end of the road.” My voice was caring as I reached out and rested my hand on his knee. “You have me, Dean, and I have complete faith in you.”_

_His lip twitched as if trying to offer a smile that wouldn’t break the surface. He looked away quickly._

_“But what if I deserve this? All the bad things I’ve done, (Y/N)? Maybe it’s finally catching up to me. If I lose control, and Cas doesn’t smite me right away,” his expression turned pained, “you have to promise me, you’ll do it. You have to kill me, (Y/N).”_

_First I was shocked by his request, then saddened. Then, all of a sudden, I settled for unbridled anger. Does he even understand what he—God that’s it!_

_“Dean Winchester, look at me right now!” He was taken aback by my hostility. “Do you—Do you even know what you do to people?!” I was thankful we were alone in the bunker, Sam would have been worried._

_“What do you—“_

_“No, stop! I’m talking now. You don’t get to ask me to do that! You don’t. Do you know where I was when you found me? That hunt you crashed was supposed to be my last one.” He looked confused, but I continued nonetheless. “I was so far gone, Dean, I was ready for it to be over. I had vowed that that vampire nest was my last hunt. I went in, guns blazing, hoping to kill as many as possible before they killed me. It was a suicide mission. I didn’t know I’d end up killing them all, and if you guys hadn’t shown up when you did, I—” I cleared my throat and I could feel tears burning the back of my eyes. I wouldn’t let them fall. Dean stared at me wide-eyed and speechless._

_“You know I was injured, and I was either going to lie there and bleed out or finish it myself, Dean. Then you and Sam came and I—first I was angry, then I was thankful as hell. You guys were like my two guardian angels.” I found the courage to look into his eyes again, hoping desperately that he understood. “Dean Winchester, you saved me. In more ways than one. And yeah, I might be messed up and unfeeling sometimes, but I’m alive, and you’ve made me feel more than I can ever remember.” My soft, broken tone turned back to a firm one. “So, no Dean. You don’t deserve this. You of all people don’t deserve this bullshit, and Sam, Cas, and I, we are going to find a way to fix this for you, because you are worth more than you could ever know.”_

_“(Y/N), I had no idea,” I could swear I saw a tear roll down his cheek, but I pretended not to notice. He moved to my side of the hall, wrapping his arms around me as I lay against him._

_“Dean, I’m going to save you. When the time comes, I’ll be there.” We sat in silence as I tried not to think about how good it felt to be in his embrace._

_I meant everything. I was going to be the one to save Dean Winchester just as he had me.  I just didn’t know it would come so soon._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Stay tuned, kids!


	5. Fool in the Rain

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Time to phone a friend

Baby comes to a halt ten minutes south of the bunker. I inhale deeply, holding my breath as I exit the car and all but slam the door behind me. Rain pours over the landscape, drenching my clothes and causing my hair to mop around my face. My body shivers, but not form the sudden temperature change.

I know I'm the last person he wants to see right now. After everything that happened tonight, he’ll be basking in bitterness, yet I know I can find a way to get him to listen. I check my phone to get the time—10:35—before performing the ritual, and impatiently waiting for any indication of it working.  After five minutes, I huff, turning on a heel toward the Impala to wait in a warmer, dryer place.

“(Y/N), to what do I owe the pleasure?” I spin back around to be greeted by the King of Hell, himself.

“Crowley,” I reply, “I need your help.”

“Really? Hmm well considering tonight’s turn of events, I have to say I’m surprised. You lied to me about being on Cain’s hit-list and stole back the Blade. I assumed you’d come to kick my puppy.” The sarcasm rolled off his tongue like his thick accent, but I could see he was actually hurt by the situation.

“Look, I’m really sorry, Crowley. You know that if I had known they were going to trick you I wouldn’t have allowed it. That’s precisely why they didn’t fill me in, and you know it.”

As much as I hate to admit it, especially considering my past with demons, I’ve developed an unconventional friendship with the King of Hell. I’m genuinely upset with how we handled the Blade situation tonight, and hope he would understand that. By the change in expression, he is beginning to.

“Alright, love, what’s wrong? You of all people don’t ask for help, and that signature sarcasm of yours is missing in action.” He knows something is up. Good, less explaining on my part. The rain beats down around me in a rhythmic pattern similar to the uncontrolled beating of my heart.

“I have a favor to ask of you.”

“Well, I’m all ears, darling.”

“Crowley, I—” I struggled to formulate my request. Crossing my arms, I rest all of my weight on my left hip. “Look, Dean is worse off than we thought, and I know there’s a way to fix it, and you’re the only one that can help me. “

His eyebrow raises, “Oh? How do you suppose that?”

“Because my request isn’t exactly an easy one.”

“Alright, (Y/N), enough with the cryptic words. Spit it out. What am I here for?”

I gulp, suddenly aware of the chill in the air.

“I want the Mark gone. The Mark, the Blade, all of the effects—I want them gone. Completely eradicated from existence.”

“Well, I do too, love, but I can’t just snap my fingers and make it happen.”

“I—I know that.” Suddenly, I can’t meet his eye. He seems to catch on, tripping over the words flooding his mind for a moment before answering.

“No!” He yells, making me jump. “There is no way you are doing that, (Y/N), I won’t allow it! We’ll all find another way to fix this mess, but not that!”

“It’s my soul and I get to decide what to do with it!” I scream back, frustrated that he was so quick to deny my request. At his feet, he notices the loose dirt, moving his shoe over it to reveal the small wooden box I’ve placed there.

“Dammit, (Y/N), what are you thinking? If you even are?!” I stand firm, but I know that he sees how ashamed I am to stoop this low. “No this is fueled by that damn self-hatred of yours and I will not participate in your downward spiral.” He spat.

“Crowley, it’s not that! Dean’s losing the battle with the Mark, and I’m scared of what he’ll do if we don’t stop him. He won’t be able to cope if more blood is spilled by his hand!” Tears are coming back again and I try desperately to keep them at bay. “Crowley, please, I’m begging you! End this!”

“My answer is no, (Y/N).” And with that he turns away from me ready to leave. With one more attempt, I hope to stop him.

“Crowley,” My voiced is panicked, searching for the words I’ve denied myself for far too long, “I love him!”

Lightning lights up the crossroads followed by a loud crash of thunder in the distance. Crowley freezes, turning around to look at me once more. I can’t keep from crying any longer, and the tears fall like the rain around us.

“Crowley, please, I love him, and as long as I see him like this, it’s killing me.” I sob.

            Crowley looks at me, eyes suddenly sad. “Do you realize that they would kill me? How mad they’d be at themselves? They’d blame themselves to no end! Even so, how do you think I could I do that to you, anyway? As much as I’d rather not admit it, you’re my friend, (Y/N), and I can’t place that fate upon you.”

            “Not if I make my deal more specific. I can make it so they have to forgive you! They have to forgive you and they can't sell their souls!” I argue hopefully trying even more so to convince him.

            “Even if I did, that isn’t a 10-year deal. That kind of deal requires a lot more power than normally.”

            “How long would I have?”

            He clears his thr oat and looks at me, pained. “Until midnight tonight.”

            A gust of air I was unaware I was holding in left my mouth making my voice breathy. “Less time I would have to lie, I guess.”

            He slowly moves toward me, placing his hand on my cheek, and wiping a tear from my face. I hadn’t noticed that the rain had stopped. “You really want to do this?” I nod, and he looks completely unsure. “Damn, (Y/N), I can’t see you like this. You’re always so hopeful and find a way to help the people you love, but this? This really is a last, desperate attempt isn’t it?” He pulled me into a hug. “If only squirrel knew what he had, huh?” He pulls away once more. “You really do love him, don’t you?”

            I smile slightly. “Yeah, I guess I do.”

            He sighs deeply. “Then I’ll do it.” I look up at him hopefully. “Only for you. Not for moose, not for squirrel, not for feathers. I just want you to realize what his means.”

            “I know Crowley, I’ve been through bad enough. I can handle it.”

            “Not this bad, (Y/N).”

            “Hey, I’m basically a Winchester, right?” Laughing nervously, I try to put on a brave face. “Plus, I’m three times as smart, and, from what I hear, twice as stubborn. I’ll find a way out.” I say the last part with the best smile I can muster, heart yearning for it to be true.

            “If you’re absolutely sure.” He adjusts his tie, nervously. “Okay, you ready?”

            I nod, and slowly but urgently, he brings his lips to mine, and I immediately recognize the taste of regret on his lips. I know he’d never wish this upon me, but I also know that Crowley is my friend, and he cares enough to help me, no matter how much it pains him. I’m more grateful than he knows.

            He pulls away, even slower than before. “It’s done.  I’ll hold off on the request until midnight, (Y/N).”

            “Until midnight,” I echo. “Thank you.” He bows slightly, and before I leave, I can’t stop myself from asking one more thing. Try as I might, I can't hide the fear im feeling.

“Does it—will it hurt?” My voice breaks and I start crying again.

            “Oh, sweetheart, I’m so sorry.” He forces himself upon me in an engulfing hug. “Go say your goodbyes, love. I’ll make sure I’m there when the time comes.”

            I bury my face in his chest before breaking free once more. With no time to lose, I sprint for the car, peeling out and returning to the bunker. I’ve said goodbye to everyone I’ve ever cared about. This time, I resolve, would be harder than ever. No more breaking down like I’ve been tonight. They can’t know what I’ve done. I might have saved Dean and anyone he might harm, but all at the expense of my own eternal damnation.

Speeding through the night, I send out a prayer to no one in particular that, one day, they’d forgive me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Woop, there it is!


	6. Traveling Riverside Blues

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A short, silly flashback to distract you from the feels...ya feel?

10:58 pm

 

Back in the garage, I say my goodbye’s to Baby, savoring one last purr of the engine before removing the key from the ignition. I stroke the leather, and climb out of the car, letting my fingertips trial softly on the ebony metal from the door to the hood. My mind wander to the first time I drove her, letting a smile find its way to my lips. Dean only left that privilege to Sam only on occasion, and I was on top of the world.

_“You wanna take her for a cruise?” I was already walking to the passenger’s side when Dean threw the keys at me._

_“You’re shitting me.” I’m pretty sure my jaw dropped._

_Dean opened the driver’s door for me, gesturing in a gentlemanly fashion and I couldn’t help it when a small squeal escaped my throat. I fucking loved this car ever since I first laid eyes on it. The sheen of the black in the sunlight, the tan leather kept in pristine condition, how smooth she felt going at high speeds, and that engine…mmmm._

_“(Y/N), earth to (Y/N),” Dean’s husky voice made me jump. “You gonna start her up or what?” he chuckled slightly._

_“Oh,” I smiled, completely flustered, “yeah!” And with that, I twisted the key in the ignition. The car growled to life, starting out with a roar and settling to a soft, consistent purr. The sound combined with the vibrations sent my excitement into overdrive, I closed my eyes, taking it all in, and to my horror, a long, deep moan escaped my lips, completely against my will._

_As soon as it happened, my eyes ripped open, and my head jerked to Dean who sat in the passenger’s seat wide-eyed and frozen. We stared at each other for a moment completely unsure of what to say or do. After God knows how long, I was the first to move, clearing my throat, breaking my trance and pulling Baby out of the garage. A little while down the road, I noticed Dean still stuck in the same position, dumbfounded. I kept looking back and forth from the road to him from the corners of my eye. Dear God if this wasn’t the most awkward—_

_“Uh, (Y/N),” I was surprised to hear him speak, and I looked over sheepishly. “Do you have a…” it was his turn to clear his throat awkwardly, “…car kink?” I could hear the unsureness leave is tone to be replaced by one of sheer amusement, and perhaps something else._

_“What?” I laughed nervously, “Psshh, no! What?” I asked again, praying that I could convincingly brush it off. Damn this is awkward. It was silent for a few agonizing seconds before a new sound filled the front seat._

_Dean just started cracking up. I was unsure what to do at first, but eventually, the sound made me want to join in, infecting us both with uncontrolled laughter. Dean wiped a tear from his eye._

_“Damn, I’d be lying if that isn’t the hottest thing.” He said calmly and quietly, but just loud enough for me to hear as he looked out the window with a smile._

_And as we continued down the road, I couldn’t hide mine._

           

            All the wonderful and not so wonderful moments in the Impala—the fights, the hurried rides back from a hunt with one of us injured in the backseat, the laughter, the jamming out to every Classic Rock song known to mankind—everything will soon be gone. Something scratches at the back of my throat, but I remind myself to be strong. There are a lot more goodbyes to say tonight and I’m running out of time. With one last caring touch, I remove my hand from the cool metal and walk into the bunker, turning out the light on my way out and watching the Impala fade in the darkness.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know how you like it, friends!


	7. Friends

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The brother you always wanted.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So...I was honestly trying to space out the chapters...BUT YOU GUYS ARE AWESOME AND I'M SO GLAD YOU LIKE THIS SO I COULDN'T WAIT BECAUSE I'M VERY EXCITED TO KEEP WRITING FOR YOU ALL. 
> 
> Enjoy!

11:11pm

I send out a small wish, not thinking anyone would grant it. I hope I can speak to Cas and Sam separately. I creep around the bunker quietly, although I know very well they are still around. I’m not sure who I’ll find first, but I’ve been thinking about what I’m going to say to each of them.

 

 

_I sat at the table with my favorite book, happily reading a story I knew all too well, when Sam arrived back from a supply run._

_“Hey.” I greeted, not looking from the book as I turned the page._

_“Hey, where’s Dean?”_

_“Sleeping.”_

_“Figures.” I hear him rustling with the grocery bags, and something falls to the table in front of me with a slap. For the first time, I look down from my book only to find 10 or so silver packages before me._

_“You didn’t.” I beamed up at him, suddenly forgetting about my book._

_“Oh, but I did.” He quickly places the groceries in their places and sits across from me._

_“Can we play?!” I squeal in childish excitement, and when he nods, I rip open the packages._

_“CHARIZARD?! This was my favorite card as a kid! Noctowl, Cleffairy, Squirtle, IVYSAUR? Sam, this is like Christmas!” He laughs at my joy, patiently waiting for me to distribute the decks and teach him how to battle._

_Still chuckling, he teases me, “You’re a 30-year old woman, (Y/N).”_

_“Actually, I’m 26. Don’t age me, Winchester.” I stick my tongue out at him._

_“And it’s not Christmas, but I noticed you’ve been kind of down lately. Plus, I heard you trying to explain to Cas what a Pikachu was—hilarious by the way—and figured you’d appreciate a little throwback.”_

_My smile was 10-miles wide. “You’re the absolute greatest!”_

 

A rustling in down the hall informs me of someone’s presence, seemingly coming for the research area. I start walking toward the disembodied noises, coming to a halt in the doorway.

“Sam, I told you I’d clean this up.”

Sam, looks up, a paper hanging in his grasp and a couple books are gathered in his arms. His smile is the most genuine one we’ve exchanged all night..

“Hey, I just wanted to make sure you were okay.” He places the handful of books and papers onto the now upturned table and walks over me, embracing me into a bone-crushing hug. It took every ounce of my being to keep my voice calm as I squeeze him back.

“You sure it has nothing to do with you being a clean freak?”

He chuckles softly, “Glad to see you’re doing better.” He pulls away, suddenly realizing something. “Oh! One sec! I made you something.” And he sprinted to the kitchen.

In the short time he’s gone, I try to compose myself. This has to be short, sweet and to the point. He walks back into the room, carrying my favorite Disney mug, placing it on the table, and pulling out a chair. With a huge grin, I take a seat, and he does the same right next to me.

“Sam, you didn’t have to make me tea.”

“I know I didn’t have to, I wanted to. I know how much you like chamomile. Two teaspoons of honey, right?”

I take a quick sip, the liquid warming me from my stomach out, making me feel better immediately.

“Perfect.” I hum, savoring the taste. Pleased, he sits back in the chair.

We sit in silence for a couple minutes before I realize I have no time for basking in his company.

“Sam,” I start, and he looks up to meet my eyes. “Can I tell you something?” He nods and I place my cup back onto the table.

“I just want you to know, how much I appreciate you.” He seems a little taken aback, obviously not used to this side of me, but he remains silent, allowing me to continue. “You know, my little brother, I—I sometimes try to imagine what kind of a man he would have turned out to be.” I shift in my seat a little so I can face him fully. “Every time I close my eyes, I imagine someone just like you.” I smile, tears in my eyes. “Someone brave, strong, and with every ounce of compassion and loyalty I wish I had.”

Sam’s eyes glisten back at mine. “(Y/N), you are all of those things and more. Your brother would have seen you just as I see you: a beautiful, strong woman—a hero.”

I try to let out a laugh, but it comes out more as a choked back sob.

“Where is all this coming from?” Sam asks, suddenly concerned.

“I just—in the wake of this all, I think we, _I_ , need to start being honest with people. The road is rough for us, Sam, and who knows when it will end, you know? I just feel like I need to make the best of everything.” Scooting the chair away from the table, I stand up and hug him once more. He hugs back, gentler than the previous one.

“You’re my best friend, Sam.” I savor this last embrace.

“And you’re the little sister I never knew I needed.” He breathed into my neck. That got to me. I clear my throat a little, letting go of the younger Winchester.

“I think I’m gonna get some sleep.” I turn on my heel to leave, hoping to find Cas.

“Are you going to tell him?” He says softly. My stomach drops, heart suddenly pumping fast.

“I—what do you mean? Tell who what?” I ask scared of his answer.

“Are you going to tell Dean how you feel?” He grins. I can’t help letting out a sigh of relief. _Oh, tell him **that**._

“I haven’t decided yet.” I say, trying to hide the pain in my voice, only masking it with a gentle smile. He had hinted that he knew about my little crush for a while now, subtly urging me to make a move, but I was too stubborn to ever comply. Now, I might not ever get to. “Goodnight, Sam.” This time, I walk toward the door.

“See you in the morning.” He hollers after me. He didn’t mean anything by it really, just a salutation, but the words hit me like a brick wall.

“Yeah,” I gulp, “see you then.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guys, the feedback is so wonderful and I want to thank you! Keep it up and let me know how it's going for you!


	8. Stairway to Heaven

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hallelujah

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OMG GUYS IM POWERING THROUGH THIS THING. Your feedback has helped so much and your positivity is fueling my writing fire! I particularly like this chapter quite a lot and I hope you do too.
> 
> Also, sorry for making you cry and stuff.

11:28 pm

Walking down the hall, I find myself stopping by the dungeon, only partially fixed since Cas stopped Dean from destroying Meta-douche. I smile fondly to myself, kicking the rubble slightly and thinking about how my angel can go from dorky Cas to the ruthless and powerful Castiel: Angel of the Lord. My thoughts are interrupted by the muffled footsteps of someone in the room. Relieved, I step over the rubble of the door and into the dungeon.

            Behind the opening bookshelf, Cas paces steadily across the concrete by the devil’s trap painted on the floor. I can tell he’s in deep thought, and any other time, I would have let him be, but tonight, I guess I don’t have much of a choice.

 

            _Little did I know, the bunker really did have everything. There was a shooting range, a freaking dungeon, and, thanks to my curiosity, I found a room that neither of the boys new even existed._

_About a year after I ran into the Winchesters, I was wandering the seemingly endless halls of my new digs, not looking for anything in particular, when I came across a small alcove in the west hall. Eagerly, I opened the door, not sure what to expect. To my surprise, the room was large and open, a grand piano gracing the hardwood floor. Thankful that Sam and Dean were out for a bit, I openly squealed, spinning into the room and dancing my way to the piano. I thrived on music as a child, singing in church and at school plays. I was never without headphones or some type of instrument to fill the silence. Ever since I started hunting, however, my voice had retired to shower concerts for one._

_Without even thinking twice, I lifted the fallboard, setting my sights on the ivory keys as I seated myself in front of the beautiful instrument. Songs immediately filled my head, but I easily decided on my favorite one. I cracked my knuckles and began working my fingers meticulously across the keys. Music filled the air, and I closed my eyes to let it consume me._

I heard there was a secret chord

            That David played and it pleased the Lord

            But you don’t really care for music, do you?

_Something filled my heart, and seemingly took control over me. I allowed my voice to get louder, filling the room with joyous sound._

It goes like this, the fourth, the fifth,

            The minor fall, and the major lift

            The baffled king composing Hallelujah

_Completely invested in the song, I kept my eyes closed as I breathed the next words softly._

Hallelujah,

            Hallelujah,

            Hallelujah,

            Hallelujah.

_I let my hands slow down before stopping, completing the last note and letting it hang in the air, eyes still closed as I basked in it._

_“Hello, (Y/N).”_

_The disembodied voice forced my eyes open to reveal a shadowy figure by the piano. I jumped, falling off the stool and onto the floor._

_“Are you alright?”_

_“Cas, son of a bitch! You scared the crap out of me!” I clenched my chest as I regained my footing, pretty sure I had just experienced a heart attack. “Dude, we talked about the popping up out of nowhere!” I laughed at his worried expression as well as at the fact that I had just ass-planted onto the floor._

_“I truly am sorry, forgive me, I was just—“ he gestured to the piano, “that was beautiful.”_

_“I didn’t know you were listening.” I blushed. “Thanks Cas.” I noticed him eyeing the keys, reaching out to touch a single one, hearing the soft sound. I smiled. “I could, um, I could teach you, if you’d like.”_

_His head shot up from the piano, looking to me with the biggest grin I had ever seen the angel give._

            “You trying to dig a rut into the concrete?” I giggle.

            “No, why would I—” Lightbulb. “That was a joke.” He smiles and I nod. Silly, angel.

            “What are you doing down here, Cas?”

            “Well, I was trying to summon Crowley, but he must still be angry at us.”

            I ignore the churning in my stomach. “Yeah, must be.”

            Castiel starts walking toward me, and I try my best to conceal a gulp. “Are you feeling better from before?”

            His gentle, caring tone makes my heart soften. “Yeah, Cas, I’m doing better. Thank you.” After a short silence, I change the subject. “Hey, remember when you hated my guts?” I tease, playfully.

            “I never—” He stops when he sees me cross my arms and raise my eyebrow questioningly. He looks down and sighs, defeated. “Yes.”

            “Uh-huh, you thought I was crampin’ your style. That I couldn’t handle myself let alone you three. ” I grin.

            “Yes, I thought you were weak, but you—”

            I interrupt again, “But I saved your feathered heinie. At that shifter case in Wisconsin.”

            “Yes, you did,” he smiles again, “and we’ve been friends ever since.”

            “Yes, we have.” I meet his lovely blue eyes. “Best friends.” I can’t help my tone from turning sad. Unfortunately, Cas catches it.

            “(Y/N), what’s wrong?” He squints a little and I know he’s trying to read me.

            “Nothing’s wrong Cas, it was just a crazy night.” I force a grin as genuine as I can fake it, but it doesn’t stop Cas from reaching out to put a hand on my shoulder. I let it happen, seeing no harm in the gesture, but as soon as his hand touches me, he yanks it back like an electrical current ran through the connection. I look up at him, confused.

            “What have you done?” The wounded whisper scares me more than any yelling would have.

            “Cas I—” He knows and there’s no backtracking.

            “Why, why would you do this, (Y/N).” He grabs me by both shoulders this time, lowering himself to meet my eye.

            “I had to, Cas.” I force myself not to cry, despite the look in his eyes shattering me.

            He engulfs me in his arms, his trench coat surrounding me slightly. Somehow, it feels as though a secondary layer wraps around me—soft and gentle—surrounding me entirely, but upon opening my eyes, nothing is there to describe the sudden safe feeling. The embrace fills my heart with a warmth I can only describe as Cas.

            “I’ve seen how you look at him. I do not yet fully understand the capacity of human emotions, but I have discussed you and Dean with Sam.” He says, and, honestly, I’m not surprised. They’ve always seemed to have a hidden agenda when it comes to Dean and me. “I just wish you would have let us find another way.”

            I break our hug, “Cas, there was no other way. You know that. I have to live with the choice I’ve made.”

            “But we have to live with it longer.” His eyes are distant but I can detect the hurt in his voice almost like betrayal.

            “I’m so sorry, Cas.” My eyes fill and a tear falls.

            “So this is goodbye, then?” His face scrunches up, pain etched on his features.

            “This is goodbye.” I choke.

            His thumb brushes my face before placing a loose strand of hair behind my ear. “You deserve so much more, (Y/N). You are such a wonderful, kind human with a beautiful heart and you deserve so much more.” While his hand is still cupping my face, I clasp onto his wrist with a free hand.

            “But Dean will be better. You guys will be safe. No more Mark.” I conclude. Cas sighs deeply.

            “I’ll miss you.” He says sadly, but still meeting my eyes without faltering. I smile sorrowfully, saying the last words with a heavy heart.

 

“And I’ll miss you, my guardian angel.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Have any of you actually cried a tear of sadness in this fic yet? I'm just curious.  
> Let me know in the comments as well as whether you enjoyed this chapter! 
> 
> Love you all and your continued support!


	9. Since I've Been Loving You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> One more flashback

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fluff.

There’s a place about 30 minutes east of the bunker filled with dense forestry, and a small dirt road. The first time Dean took me, I wasn’t sure what to expect. That night had been a hard hunt—perhaps the hardest of my life. I had encountered one of the demons that killed my family and, although it filled the hole left from revenge, a new-found lack of purpose left me feeling emptier than I had in a long time.

 

_Dean burst into my room to find me staring blankly at the wall._

_“Come on, (Y/N), we’re taking a little road trip.” He sounded excited, and I didn’t want to disappoint him, but I found myself tired and lethargic from the hunt._

_“Dean, I’m sorry, I’m really not in the mood.”_

_“Doesn't matter,” he said, grabbing my arm and dragging me down the hall. “you don’t have a choice.”_

_“You sure are peppy.” I groaned._

_“One of us has to be.” He retorted. I sighed._

_“Alright, can you at least tell me where we’re going?”_

_“Nope.”_

_“What about why we’re leaving in the middle of the night?”_

_“Can’t tell you that either.”_

_“Well, what can you tell me?”_

_“I can tell you that you just need let your old pal Dean Winchester take care of it!”_

_“That’s what I was afraid of…” I grumbled._

_Dean looked back with a look of feigned hurt and shock, earning a giggle from me._

_“There’s the (Y/N) we know and love.” He beamed as we got into the Impala. “Alright, kick back and enjoy the ride.” And Baby roared to life, heading down the highway into the night._

_***_

_A few miles down the road, we came across the first patch of foliage. I wasn’t sure what to expect when Dean drove directly into the forest on a small dirt road. I sat in silence, unsure of the purpose of this mission. If it were a hunt, he’d tell me, so why were we driving to the middle of nowhere? My muddled thoughts were broken by the realization that we had come to a stop. I look to Dean, confusion across my face._

_“Alright, here it is.”_

_“Dean, did you really drive me half an hour in the middle of the night to look at some trees? Because I could have just stared at Sam for a while.” I crossed my arms. I was exhausted from the facing that demon and I wasn’t in the mood for shenanigans._

_“Just trust me.” And with that, he stepped out of the car, and after an intense eye roll, I wasn’t far behind him._

_He popped the trunk, and to my surprise, instead of pulling out various forms of weaponry, he dug out a few blankets and pillows, a big, stupid grin plastered on his face._

_“Alright, Nicolas Sparks, what’s the deal? Are we here to count the stars and tell each other our life stories?”_

_“Something like that.” He started walking a little bit ahead of me leading me to a small clearing in the dense trees. The area was decorated with short grass and meadow flowers, and he began laying the bedding somewhere close to the center of it all. I smiled at this new side of Dean. I mean, I knew he was cheesy, but I never expected this._

_“Dean, what is all this?” I couldn’t lie. The fact that he was doing this for me made me feel a lot better than I had that entire night. It was my turn to foster a stupid grin._

_“I know tonight was hard for you, (Y/N). I hate seeing you sad.” He looked down, blushing, making my grin grow even wider. THE Dean Winchester, playboy/lady killer was blushing because of me. “This is my favorite place to go when the world seems like too much to handle, you know? I figured you’d appreciate blocking the world out. At least for tonight.” His smile was soft and sincere and a new feeling overwhelmed me._

_“Dean this is,” I walked closer to the blankets, taking a seat next to him, “this is awesome.” I hugged him tightly. “Thank you.”_

_“I figured this could be our place. Our escape from the nightmare that is our lives.”_

_“I’d like that.”_

_He couldn’t seem to take his eyes off me, or at least that’s how it seemed, but he eventually laid down to look at the stars. I did the same, and he pulled me in close to him, my head resting softly on his chest as we gazed upward._

_“This is all that matters, you know? At the end of the day, after all the insanity we face, we are alive and can find the beauty in small things.” I thought he was talking about the stars, but when I looked up at him, I found his eyes glued to me. My heart fluttered. Embarrassed, we both looked away suddenly and I could feel my cheeks redden. After a small silence, and trying to focus on the stars, I was the one to break the silence._

_“I’m glad I found you, Dean Winchester.” I snuggled closer to him, needing his warmth in the cool night air. He seemed surprised as he shifted to place his chin on my head._

_“So am I.” And we fell asleep in each other’s arms, underneath the pale moon and the endless stars blanketing the night sky above us._

           

 

That was the night I realized I was in love with Dean Winchester.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! I hope you're still liking this. I want to thank you again for being so encouraging and supportive of this fic! Just a couple more chapters to go!
> 
> So, it is currently my spring break and I've got a busy week of job hunting and chilling with friends, so I'm not sure when the next chapter will be up. Hope this can hold you over for a bit! Love you all<3


	10. Babe, I'm Gonna Leave You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Goodbyes are always the hardest
> 
>  
> 
> (I used my favorite song of all time for the title. It's pretty amazing if you play it lightly in the background as you read.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pro tip: To make me post a new chapter, tell myself that I'm going to go to Barnes and Noble to study chemistry. The result will be a new chapter and progress on the next one.
> 
> Priorities, am I right?
> 
> I know you guys have been dying for this and I was mean last time because I did one more flashback (Mua-ha-ha!) But now comes what you've all been waiting for and I hope you love it!
> 
> Well, here it is. The feelsiest chapter that ever felt. Dear God I hope you like it.

 

11:36 pm

 

            After my emotional encounter with Cas, I compose myself a bit outside Dean’s door. This is it. My last goodbye. Everything happened so fast tonight—Cain, my outburst, the deal—my final hour is coming to a close, and I realize it’s now or never. With a deep breath, I push the door open slightly. It creaks and a sliver of light drapes over the shadowy figure in the bed. He lays unmoving and his gentle breaths are slow, but not yet steady from sleep.

            “Dean,” I say softly, “I know you’re awake.”

            The bed shakes and the covers rustle. An arm reaches from beneath them for the lamp, clicking it on before the rest of his body adjusts to sit on the edge of the bed. He drags his hand down his sleepless face, confirming that he was wide awake far before I interrupted him.

            “Come on in, (Y/N).”

            Inside I’m trembling, but outside I’m stone. I carefully shut the door behind me as I enter the room. Meeting Dean’s eyes is hard, but once I sit beside him on the bed, it reminds me of all the talks we’ve had before, and I find the courage to look directly into them. They’re still the beautiful emerald color I know and love, but the glow is absent, replaced by fear and pain.

            “Hi, there.” He says bluntly.

            “Hi, yourself.” I smile softly up at him, and he looks down at me with such intensity that I think I might disappear if he looks away. “I just wanted to come check on you” I try to sound comforting, pushing my jumbled thoughts into some sort of coherent order. “I haven’t stopped thinking about you all night, actually.” I rub the back of my neck slightly.

            “I told you, (Y/N), I’m fine.”

            I roll my eyes, nervousness leaving me temporarily. “And you expect me to believe that? I know you, Dean Winchester, and you are far from fine.”

            He’s still looking at me with that same look, and I’m not sure what to think of it. His eyes go from dead to full of life in a flash, remembering the events of the night. “(Y/N), I don’t want to hurt you.” He suddenly clasps his hand around the Mark. I reach out slowly and placed my hand atop his.

            “Dean, you won’t hurt me.”

            “You don’t know that.” He looks away abruptly, suddenly not able to meet my eye.

            “Yes, I do.” I reach my other hand to his chin, lightly forcing his gaze back to me. “I know you won’t hurt me, because I know you, Dean. You are so brave and strong, and you will get through this. All this crap, we’re gonna find a way to fix it.”

            “There is no way to fix it, (Y/N). The sooner you accept that, the better. This only ends one way.” I know his words are angry, but he lacks the energy to animate them. “I’m a monster, and there is no stopping what I will become. I can try to hide it all I want, but Sam and Cas both know, and its time you stop living in this fantasy world of yours and accept that too.” He jerks his arm from my grasp, scooting away from me slightly. I inhale sharply, trying to ignore my heart breaking.

            “Dean, I told you about my darkest moment. And I promised I’d be there in yours. So, you can try to push me away all you want, but I’m staying right here. I will always be there for you, no matter how much you try to convince me you’re something I know you are not. You are and always have been a hero. My hero.” I close the space between us again, not caring about his fears. “I believe in you, Dean Winchester. And you will pull through.”

            His features soften once again, reaching for my hand and placing it in his lap. I wait for him to speak, but he remains stoic, unmoving. I’ll never be able to convince him how important he is. He hates himself and his past so much, that he’s oblivious to all of the good he’s done, and what a wonderful person he truly is. With these thoughts, I come to a revelation, thinking back to what I overheard Cas and Sam discussing earlier in the night. I guess I have no place in ridiculing self-loathing. We’re both too damn similar. Feeling defeated and at a loss for more to say, I decide my time is up.

            “I care about you, Dean, and I’m going to find us a way out of this, just like I promised I would.” I rise slowly from my spot on the bed, letting go of his hand in the process to stand in front of him. “Now, please, get some sleep. It will all be better in the morning.” And before I can stop myself, I take his head in both of my hands, tilting it down slightly to plant a soft kiss on his forehead. I close my eyes, breathing him in and trying to memorize this last contact. The last time I’ll feel his warmth and be able to reach out to him. The last words I’ll leave him with. The last time I’ll see Dean Winchester.

            I let myself linger there longer than I should, and with hesitation, I pull myself from the contact and turn to leave.

            “Goodnight, Dean.”

But something clasps around my hand and pulls me back, breaking my thoughts. I’m spun around to see Dean rising from his spot on the mattress, suddenly towering above me. He looks down at me just as intensely, but somehow different from before. His hands hold both of mine now, and our breath mixes in the small distance between us. He breaks that contact only to cup my face in his hands, rubbing my cheek with this thumb softly, eyes flickering to my lips. Slowly, but certainly, our eyes shut and Dean is the one to close the agonizing distance.

            I always ridiculed the romance novels and movies that portrayed love as some kind of magic, because love was something I have always denied myself. But with this kiss, for a beautiful moment, I finally let myself believe in it. The kiss is full of gentle need and wonderful desire, and we melt into each other completely. The fire calms, but doesn’t fade as our lips part. Dean rests his head on my forehead and I can feel him smile against me.

            “How long?” I ask, breathlessly.

            “Ever since I met you.” His confession makes me smile too.

I want to dance, to sing, but I also want to cry, to scream at myself for not seeing it sooner, and I know Dean feels the same way. We’re both too damn stubborn to think we deserve anything and it’s made us blind to what could have been. He kisses me again, softer and shorter, but still just as perfect, butterflies still fluttering in my stomach. Regrettably, I look slightly to the right, eyes landing on the alarm clock on the night stand.

“You better get some rest, Dean.” I kiss him once more, wishing I never had to stop.

“You too.” He beams down at me.

“It will get better, Dean, I promise.”

“It already has.” He says, and my guilt rises like the tides.

I nod and open the door, but I look back once more when Dean softly says my name.

“(Y/N),”

            I hope with all my heart I don’t know what’s next. It would make it too hard.

 _Oh God, please don’t say it. Please._ I close my eyes, bracing myself for impact.

            “I love you.” He whispers.

The words that at any other time would make my heart soar, hit me hard, making it drop down into my stomach, newly whole, but somehow broken. I hide the tears as I sprint back to him, jumping into his arms in a last desperate embrace.

“I love you too, Dean.” I sigh against his chest. His heartbeat quickens as he hugs me tighter. I want to stay here forever. To exist in this moment for eternity, but I have to leave. I just wish love was enough.

“Goodnight, Dean.” And with that, I leave the love of my life to sleep with hopeful thoughts until morning, where he’ll have to put the pieces of his heart back together by himself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Be honest. Did you like it? Did it hit you right in the feels? Did it make your heart all sad? 
> 
> Yell at me in the comments.


	11. Black Dog

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> End

 

            11:46 pm

           

Quietly as possible, I find my way out of the bunker and into the night, with hopes that the Winchester’s won’t have to clean up the mess I’m about to leave behind.  I sprint wildly down a path in the forest, foolishly hoping that everything will be alright. When I can’t run anymore, I stop, catching my breath and reveling in the pain in my chest that serves as a reminder that, for the time being, I’m still alive. The cool air brushes against my skin, but the goose bumps are there for an entirely different reason.

            “Crowley!” I cry frantically into the darkness. He swore he’d be there. I don’t want to be alone, please.

            “Here, love.” Behind me, a close voice carries a distant tone. “I’m here just like I promised.”

            I sigh a breath of relief and hug him ferociously.

            “Thank you.”

 

11:58

           

My heart quickens and my thoughts become frantic. At one time, I wanted Death, I longed for it, dreamed about it, but now, in the midnight air, I pray for life. A happy life with no Mark, no worries, just me, Sam, Cas, and Dean. But I know the only way the Winchesters can have their happiness is at the expense of mine. I start to wonder if the goodbyes were a good idea. All the broken promises and the what-could-have-been’s, all the memories I’ll leave behind. I become frantic again.

            “Oh God, Crowley, what have I done?” I scream into the night. “They’re never going to forgive me! The Mark will be gone, and they’ll know right away won’t they? I was so sure, but now I—I” I cover my face with my hands, sobs shaking my body. “I’m the monster, aren’t I?”

            Crowley approaches me once more, placing a comforting hand on my shoulder.

            “(Y/N), those boys adore you. They’re going to be devastated, yes, but you knew that coming into this. They will forgive you.”

            I wipe my face. “Y—You’re right. I have to live with the choice I've made. The Mark will be gone, Dean will be cured, and everyone will be safe. I want this. It’s worth it.” I don't know who I'm trying to assure, but I stand tall again. The wind blows, but it doesn't move me.

           

11:59pm

 

            “Crowley,” I breathe, trying to keep my voice as steady as possible, “I’m scared.”

            “I know, love, I've arranged for it to be quick, I promise. I’m right here for you, (Y/N).” I can see the sadness in his eyes. His words give me enough comfort to face my fate courageously and I brace myself for what I know is to come. Crowley breaks the silence one last time.

            “What happened to that rule of yours? No weakness?”

 

12:00am

           

I inhale deeply, closing my eyes, taking in the scent of pine, reminding me of Dean in the final moments of my earthly existence. A howling fills the void and my body begins to tremble as violent barking gets closer to my position. I smile, though there are tears blocking my vision.

         

   “He is my weakness.”

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you all loved this fic! I had so much fun writing it and it had me all over the place emotionally!
> 
> Let me know what you think!


	12. Epilogue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Surprise!!
> 
> I really tried to hold off, but it's been like 15 minutes and I'm an extremely impatient person so I'm just gonna leave this here. Besides, it's already done!
> 
> Hooray for 2 chapters in a day!

 

 

Dean Winchester knows pain. He welcomes it. He accepts it. He thrives on it. Pain is what makes him wake with a jolt. He hasn’t been a sleep for long, but his dreams are sweet from his encounter with (Y/N), which has been flowing through his mind. He is startled when he sits straight up in a cool sweat, blood pumping in his head. It’s not the presence of pain that wakes him, however—it’s the absence of it. The Mark left a consistent stinging, numbing pain upon his arm and although he hated it, he endured, knowing the pain was the least of his problems when it came to the nightmare carved on his flesh. So when the cursed abrasion doesn’t wake him every few minutes like usual, he knows something is terribly wrong.

            In the darkness, he rubs his forearm, but where the skin should be raised and tender, it is smooth and cold. Fear surges through him as he turns on the lamp beside his bed. For the first time since he’s had it, he prays that the Mark is there, that this is all just wishful thinking. When he looks down, however, there is no trace. His breath hitches as his blood runs cold.

            “Sam,” he whispers to himself, disbelieving. Then he flings the covers from the bed, practically tripping over himself as he sprints down the hall to Sam’s room.

            “Sam!” He screams, angrier and loud enough to echo through the bunker. He thrusts open the door to his brother’s room hard enough to hit the wall and leave a sizeable dent from the knob. 

            Sam rises slowly, running a hand through his long, matted hair. His voice is still groggy when he speaks. “Dean, what the hell, I just fell asleep.” He groans when he looks at the clock. “Really? It’s midnight. What are you yelling about?”

            “Don’t play stupid with me, Sammy.” Dean sticks out his arm, showing Sam his clear skin. He grits his teeth. “What did you do?”

            Sam stares blankly, mouth agape. “Dean, that’s great, I mean this is awesome, but I didn’t have anything to do with this.”

            “What do you mean you didn’t ha—“ Dean’s heart stops.

            “Dean, what’s wrong?” No sooner than the question left Sam’s lips does he realize what caused his brothers sudden change in pallor. “Oh my God.” And he pales too.

            “No.” Dean sounds defeated, but only for a minute, before he makes a mad dash for (Y/N)’s room. He tries to bite back the frantic yells that threaten to break through his usually composed persona as he flings open the door and turns on the light. Where (Y/N) should be laying, the bed sits made and untouched.

            “No!” He screams and hurries past Sam, sprinting for the front door.

He passes the kitchen in his hurry and his mind flashes to that day when (Y/N) first opened up to him. Down the next hall, his breathing gets heavier and his socks slide on the floor, reminding him of the whipped cream fight only days ago.

It was all falling apart. Every last thing that (Y/N) spent the last two years building up was crashing down faster than Dean could hold them up. And when Dean reached the door, he left it open as he ran outside into the cold night.

“(Y/N)!” His voice was hysterical, and he tried desperately to keep from losing control.

            He stands in silence, foolishly hoping for some sort of reply. Hoping that (Y/N) will come running back into his arms, assuring him that everything would be perfectly fine. He prays to no one in particular to come to his aid, to help him find her and bring her back where she belongs.

            “It’s too late.” Castiel appears to Dean’s left looking more somber than usual.

            “Cas, don’t tell me that,” Dean pleads, “I can’t hear that from you, please.” His voice breaks.

            “I’m sorry, Dean.” Cas can’t bring himself to meet his friend’s eyes.

            “No! This can’t happen. She can’t do this! Please!” He screams into the night. “I can’t live without her!”

            Sam suddenly appears in the doorway, taken aback by the chill in the air and the tone of his older brother’s voice.

            “Cas, there has to be something.” Sam’s voice quivers. Cas just shakes his head in reply.

            “I’m going after her.”

            “Dean, there’s nothing we can—“ Sam tries to stop him, sadness consuming his voice, but Dean ignores him and takes off, sprinting to the forest without even so much as a glance back.

            Dean’s heartbeat synchronizes with his frantic footsteps. His mind is boggled, but the only thing clear is (Y/N). He should have seen it coming. He knows her and he should have anticipated this. She was acting weird earlier—they all were—it was a hell of a night. But of all things, why this? The Mark sucked, but this? This tears his heart in two. He has to fix this. Dean Winchester loves (Y/N) and she can’t die on his watch.

            Suddenly, something pierces through the dark and Dean’s heart stops its rhythm, his feet not far behind. Screams and shrieks of pain rip through the distance between Dean and (Y/N), relentlessly echoing through the empty air.

            Dean trembles at the sound and the first wave of tears fall as he collapses to the cool dirt beneath him, bringing his gaze up to the stars.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

**3 months later…**

            My feet drag across the ground as two burly men lead me by my arms down the tattered, dimly lit hallway. My head hangs heavily, focusing on the small film of dirt draped across the floor. This is it.

            I am dragged through a large doorway and thrown roughly to the center of a new room, much greater in size and décor. Once I regain my balance, I sit back down on my knees, my head still hanging so that my hair covers my face. Breathing in deeply, I take in my surroundings.

            “This one killed three guards.” One of my captors declares to the room.

            “And,” the smaller, fatter one adds, “when put on the torturing table, she jumped off and began torturing the torturer!”

            I smirk proudly at that one. A fond memory indeed.

            The entire room looks to the embellished chair at the focal point of the chamber, awaiting a verdict.

I roll my eyes, although no one can see. _Tick-tock, your highness._

            Footsteps suddenly move from the throne to spot a couple feet before me.

            “What else did she do?” The new voice asks.

            I can see the fat one tremble. “Well, sire, there have been talks that she’s,” he gulps, “rallying troops to overthrow you.”

            “Is that so?” The new voice seems tenser than before. “Well, in that case—“

            _Ugh, I don’t have time for this shit._

In a swift motion, I hop over my bound wrists, bringing them to my front and immediately taking the dagger from the man on my right, slashing his throat without remorse. The fat one lunges toward me with his knife, and I position myself so that the only contact the blade has is with the rope holding my hands together. He makes one last attempt to hold me down, but my weapon finds his heart quickly. Both men fall to the floor and the rest of the room rises. I stand there, ready for a fight, facing away from Crowley, but I can see his hand raise up to halt the others.

            “Who are you?” He asks the question calmly, but I can hear the anger and fear hidden in his tone.

I grin once more, turning quickly to him, flipping my hair back to reveal my face.

 

“Why, Crowley,” I tease, “don’t you remember me?” And my eyes turn black.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HOLY CHEESE-STICKS WE ARE DONE.....or are we?  
> So a second part is possibly coming, but this one may take a bit longer. I have an idea and I'm running with it, but it will definitely be different. This fic was in my head for a while so it was pretty easy to get down, but since I'm still developing a story for this next one, there will be a little more time between chapters. I ended up loving this as a back-story for an even greater adventure! 
> 
> So, if you honestly did enjoy this and would like to see me keep going with a second part, let me know!
> 
> I love you all so much and your support has been amazing! I've always been scared to share my writing because I didn't think it was good enough, but all of my worries and fears are gone and i can only grow from here on out! Love you, and hope you enjoyed!

**Author's Note:**

> More to come! Don't know when between my busy schedule of school and Netflix, but it's coming nonetheless! 
> 
> Guys, comment on this bitch!


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